


The Ties that Bind...

by AllHallowsEve



Series: Wincest Colored Glasses [16]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Desire, Emotional Fallout, Episode: s01e16 Shadow, Longing, Love, M/M, Pre-Slash, Self Loathing, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 18:46:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14939816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllHallowsEve/pseuds/AllHallowsEve
Summary: Sam runs into an old friend while the boys are working on a case.  She turns out to be more than she seems.  As does the enemy they are trying to fight.Episode 16 as seen through Wincest colored glasses.





	The Ties that Bind...

**Author's Note:**

> This is a stand alone story just like all the rest in this series, but be warned, there is a lot of emotional fallout as a direct result of things I added in the Benders story. So even though I think this will make sense reading it as a one shot, it will have more depth if you have read the previous story in the series.
> 
> Please buckle your seat belts. You are in for an emotionally bumpy ride.
> 
> As always, this is unbeta'd so please let me know if you see any mistakes.

Ever since the hug at the Benders' house, Dean hasn’t been able to stop thinking about Sam.  The fear that had been riding him, over Sam’s powers potentially growing into mind reading, had gotten lost in the shuffle somehow, because Dean just couldn’t keep his mind off of how good Sam’s body had felt against his. 

The boys rarely touched in that way.  Not in a long time.  When they were kids, Dean couldn’t keep Sam off of him.  He sat in his lap, had Dean carry him around like a monkey, slept side by side in tiny motel beds for years.  But then once Dean hit puberty, and began thinking about his kid brother in so many disturbing ways, Dean had tried to maintain at least an arm’s length distance from Sam at all times. 

It was hard at first.  Sam hadn’t understood the change in his behavior, and it tended to hurt his little brother’s feelings.  So Dean had to balance his constant boners against keeping Sam happy.  It was a hard juggling act, but he had managed.  Once Sam hit puberty as well, Dean never really needed to try for distance.  Sam had seemed too occupied by school and moodiness, to fight when Dean needed his space.  Dean had turned to hookups with any girl who would look at him for relief, but it was never enough. 

The older Sam got, the worse it was for Dean.  Every inch the kid grew, and every new muscle group that formed, Dean was less and less capable of seeing anyone with any interest other than Sam. 

After Sam had come back on the road with Dean, it had become so hard again to just maintain normalcy.  He still tried to hook up as often as he could but it seemed to help less and less.  Seeing Sam in all forms of undress, killed Dean.  But nothing had affected him the way that hug had, especially after days of fearing he would never see Sam again.  His body and emotions had been strung out, and then when Sam had breathed Dean’s name against his neck, he had almost come in his pants right then and there. 

Every night since, he had wet dreams.  He was now paranoid that he would call out Sam’s name in his sleep, while doing so.  The only thing Dean knew to do, was just throw himself at every woman that walked by.  Not in any hopes that it would ease up his lust for his brother, but to throw Sam off the scent.  In case something did happen to make Sam begin to suspect how Dean was feeling, maybe if he turned his Lothario act into overdrive, then maybe Sam would be convinced he was mistaken.

Dean was proud of himself.  On this current case he had already gotten numbers for a cute police officer and for the bartender where the current victim had worked.  Sam was already griping at him to use his upstairs brain which was an excellent clue that he was pulling off the charade.

He had to say though that seeing Sam in the alarm company workman’s uniform made it super hard to stick with the act.  The dark navy of it brought out the warm amber peach color of Sam’s skin, and he was letting his hair grow all floppy and soft, in a way John would have never allowed.  It was almost impossible to resist coming up behind Sam and running his fingers through those amazing locks.

So Dean had poured on the details about the perky young female cop he had spoken to.  He was sure it had worked when Sam got annoyed.  That was always a good sign.

Sam on the other hand wasn’t happy about that development at all.  He had been riding the pleasant glow from the teasing Dean had given him about being a high school drama dork.  The teasing made Dean smile brightly in a way few other things did, and it made Sam’s stomach all warm and tingly when Dean’s voice got all reminiscent like that.  But then when Dean had said Sam was good in the production of “Our Town,” it made Sam’s heart soar. 

Dean had been so proud of Sam the night of the play, that he had taken him out for pizza and ice cream after, instead of going on one of his dates with whatever girl of the week he had been seeing.  It made Sam secretly feel like they were on a date, for the first time ever, and he had come so hard in the shower later that night, he had almost passed out.  It was one of Sam’s best high school memories.

So Sam had been basking in that memory until Dean has spoiled everything by going on and on about the stupid perky cop he had spoken to.  It put Sam in a wretched mood that lasted the rest of the day, and then it was exacerbated when he had to watch Dean gloat about getting the stupid bartender’s phone number at the bar where their victim had worked.

He tried to focus on the case, but he hadn’t found any information at all to deliver to Dean.  They were basically at a standstill on the case.  As Dean was rubbing into Sam’s face that the only intel they had scored on the case was the bartender’s phone number, Sam’s attention was caught by a woman across the bar.

He was sure it couldn’t be her, but it looked so much like Meg, the girl he had met when he was trying to get to California to find their dad.  He walked over to her and when she turned, he was shocked that it was indeed Meg.  She seemed just as surprised as he was that they had run into each other.  Sam couldn’t believe his luck.  Just when he needed something to really distract him from Dean’s inevitable sexual escapades that were looming just over the horizon, here was this sweet nice girl that he connected with.

When he introduced Dean to her, she read his brother the riot act about how he treated Sam.  Sam was embarrassed, no one but Dean had ever stood up for him that way before, and it really threw him.

Dean was taken aback.  He had no idea who this little bitch was or what his brother had told her about him.  He walked away from the two of them with his heart aching.  _Did Sam really feel that he was treating him like luggage?_   Sam had told him he wanted to stay with him and hunt.  _Had he been lying?_

Dean didn’t want Sam to be with him out of guilt or a sense of responsibility. He only wanted him with him, if he wanted to be here.  _Right?_   Once Dean took a hard look at that, he knew that wasn’t true.  He would do anything to keep Sam by his side.  Maybe that Meg person was right. He did as many shots at the bar as he could stomach at once, to try to ease the pain in his chest.

As soon as he saw Sam walk away from her, out of the corner of his eye, he made a beeline for his brother.  He wanted desperately to play it cool.  To not let Sam know he was bothered by any of what had happened.  But he failed miserably.  As soon as the two were out the door, Dean’s mouth ran off without his brain.

“Who the hell was she?” Dean’s anger boiled just under the surface.

He barely let Sam answer, and what he did say didn’t even get through to Dean’s brain, before his mouth was at it again.

“What was she saying?  I treat you like luggage?”  His feelings were so hurt, he asked if Sam had been bitching about him to some chick.

Sam tried to apologize and explain that he had met her while they were fighting, but Dean’s anxiety over what Sam might be feeling, exploded out before anything Sam was saying got through to him.

“Well is there any truth to what she was saying? I mean am I keeping you against your will, Sam?”  The agonizing fear and feeling of betrayal, poured out of Dean in each word.

Sam desperately tried to break through Dean’s bullheaded inability to hear him.  He felt awful that he had hurt his brother, but what was making him feel even worse was that maybe he had trusted someone whom he shouldn’t have.  Running into Meg again, out of the blue, just wasn’t sitting right with him.  It was too weird that it happened right when they were on a case.  And the way she laid into Dean, it was like she was trying to drive a wedge between them or something. 

As soon as Dean heard what Sam was saying, he began to freak out inside.  He couldn’t believe how much he had said, and what his pain had indicated.  He had to deflect away from what he had just shown to Sam about how hurt he was over all this.  Dean began making suggestive remarks to Sam about why he connected with Meg, and why he was suggesting Dean do all the research right now so that Sam could stay behind and watch her.  He hoped it would annoy his brother enough that he would forget all the emotions Dean had just shown to Sam about how intensely he felt about him.

It wasn’t hard to dig at Sam about it, because it had churned up a lot of jealousy inside Dean too.  So he used that to turn the pointed statements with just the right level of annoyance.  He hoped beyond hope that Sam really did think something was off about this woman. That Sam wasn’t in fact trying to spend more time with her secretly.  Dean couldn’t stomach the thought of that after the emotional upheaval he had just gone through.

Dean followed up on all the things Sam had asked and checked in with him later about his discoveries and lack thereof as well.  The symbol he had discovered in the blood at the crime scene turned out to be major mojo with a Zoroastrian flare.  Something called a Daeva, which was animalistic and had to be controlled by someone, who would do so at their own peril. Unfortunately, it seemed like Meg Masters was legit, much to both boys’ disappointment.

Sam still couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something wrong with the Meg situation, so he followed her to an abandoned building.  He scaled up an elevator shaft until he found the floor she was on, and overheard her talking into a bowl, reminiscent of when witches used crystal balls to scry.  As soon as she left, Sam climbed up into the area she had vacated and looked over the altar type setup she had been using.  It held the same Zoroastrian symbol as the one they had found at the dead girl’s apartment.

He rushed back as fast as he could to the motel where Dean was waiting.  He told him all he had seen, including that it seemed whoever Meg had been speaking to had been giving her orders, and would be showing up at that warehouse in the near future.

Dean dropped a bomb of information on Sam too.  He told him that he had found out that both of their victims had originally been from Lawrence, Kansas.  Both brothers let the weight of that settle into their psyches.  They decided after discussing it more, that they needed to find out who was showing up to meet Meg.  Dean said they should call their dad and not do this alone, since it seemed to all be somehow tied to Lawrence and what happened with the demon.

So Dean called and left their father a voice mail, asking him to get to Chicago as soon as he could, while Sam raided the trunk for anything and everything they might need to use against whatever was going to show up to meet Meg.

As they were prepping their weapons, Dean said it was a big night. 

Sam asked if he was nervous. Dean had been on edge every time Sam left his sight since he had been kidnapped, and now, they may be walking into a meeting with whatever had killed their mom, and potentially wanted his little brother because of his powers.  Of course he was nervous as hell.  But he hid behind bravado as always and denied it completely. 

Dean then asked Sam if he was nervous and Sam lied as well.  Sam had so many emotions flowing through him.  Ever since he had hugged Dean and had stupidly let his desire for his brother overwhelm him into saying Dean’s name breathily the way he had, he had been petrified.  Every second of every day since, he had been afraid Dean’s next words were going to be accusatory about what had happened.  Sam had almost told Dean while standing in that ugly inbred murder house, that he loved him, wanted to be with him, in a way that no brother should.

Every second together after that had been torment.  Being that close to honesty, wanting to come clean so badly, it was all Sam could think about.  He had never been so close to breaking down and doing it as he had been since that hug.

He was losing his ability to function around Dean.  He didn’t know what to do, but all he could think of as a solution was to run.  But he had promised himself he would never abandon Dean as long as he was in danger.  He would never leave him without someone to watch his back.

He brought up the idea to Dean that if they did in fact kill the demon tonight, if that was what happened, then he would go back to school.  He knew that was the only solution to dealing with his desire for Dean, and so he wanted to start broaching the subject in case that happened.  If the demon was no longer a threat, then Dean could have a normal life and Sam could escape the hell that wanting his brother every second of every day, but not getting to have him, was creating.

Dean would have rather Sam pick up one of the guns he had been loading and shot him right in the chest.  It would have hurt less.

He should have known this was going to happen.  Even that bitch that was consorting with evil, knew that Sam was going to leave him.  He had trusted Sam when he had said he wanted to be with Dean and wanted to hunt together after Sam had come back from their fight.  But he never should have.  Sam deserved better.  He deserved to go back to school and get away from the taint that darkened Dean’s every thought of his brother.

He told Sam “Good for you” about going back to school, when Sam asked him if there was something wrong with it.

Sam asked Dean in confusion, “What are you gonna do when it’s all over?”

Dean didn’t mean to let his hurt slip out but there was a bitterness to his voice when he said, “It’s never gonna be over.  There’s always going to be something else to hunt.”

Sam couldn’t believe that Dean didn’t want anything else than this life.  So he asked him “But there’s got to be something that you want for yourself?”

Dean’s pain erupted into anger. “Yeah, I don’t want you to leave the second this is over, Sam.”

He walked away, unable to look Sam in the eyes, knowing his smart brother would see more than he could risk at that moment.

Dean fought himself, wanting to just be honest, if this was it, if his brother would be leaving later tonight, this might be the only chance he had to tell him how much he loved him, how much he needed him, longed to be with him.  If Sam was abandoning him once again anyway, _why the hell not?_   Just blow up their relationship, so that after they had finished the demon, Sam would never darken his door again and Dean could crawl into a bottle and just be done with it.

His shoulders slumped and his head hung in grief. Dean held on to the dresser as if it would give him the strength to do this, to finally face his brother and tell the truth.  He took one last deep breath, and turned to his brother to be completely honest with him for the first time since Dean turned 16 years old.

Dean began to confess, pain ripe on his tongue, “Why do you think I drag you everywhere, huh?”

He looked Sam straight in the eyes, if he was doing this, he was going all the way.

“Why do you think I came and got you at Stanford?”

Sam’s heart beat wildly, his pulse pounding in his ears.  He wasn’t sure what Dean was going to say but this felt huge, something life changing seemed to be going on here and he didn’t know what to do.  It made Sam feel small, and scared, like when Dean first told him what their dad did and why he was gone so much, and that monsters were real.

Sam was afraid to say anything.  He felt so on edge that he was certain he would open his mouth and all his secrets would come flying out.  He had never seen Dean so torn up before, this was like watching something rip him apart from the inside out. 

Sam answered Dean the only safe way he knew how, saying it was because their Dad was in trouble, because he wanted to find the thing that had killed their mom.

Dean turned away from the raw quality in Sam’s voice, he seemed so lost and confused by what Dean was saying and it broke Dean’s heart.  His courage faltered in the fear and uncertainty on Sam’s face. 

Agony ran through his voice as he managed, “Yes, that, but it’s more than that, man.”

Dean faced the mirror without seeing himself, realizing he couldn’t do this.  He couldn’t take the chance of making Sam hate him. At least if Sam left tonight, he might change his mind and come back.  Dean knew it was a long shot, but it might happen, wasn’t impossible.  But if Dean told Sam the truth, he would definitely lose him forever.  His heart beat wildly, he was so conflicted, but in the end, he couldn’t do it.  He shook his head, and swallowed down everything he had wanted to say, turning back to Sam and changing the truth just enough that the lie would stick.

“You and me,” he paused, pushing himself to stay the course, “and Dad, I want us to be together again.  I want us to be a family again.”

Sam heard the hurt in Dean’s voice.  It reminded him of the night he left for Stanford to begin with.  He wanted to take that pain away.  But he couldn’t.  When he hugged Dean with desire in his heart and almost told him the truth, it changed everything.  It made Sam see how weak he is, and how dangerous he was for Dean to be around. 

Sam whispered because he could manage no more, around the longing to tell the truth, sitting just at the top of his throat.  “Dean, we are a family.”

Truer words were never spoken as he continued, “I’d do anything for you.”

Sam thought of how much he loved Dean, wanted him so desperately even now that he could barely breathe around it, and said, “But things will never be the way they were before.”

He didn’t know how he kept the tears that were forming in his eyes from falling, as he watched Dean’s lips quiver, the pain he had just caused his beloved brother clawed at Sam’s chest, as Dean answered with faltering barely held together hope, “They could be.”

Vulnerability the likes of which Sam had rarely seen played across Dean’s face, as Sam watched him swallow hard, forcing his Adam’s apple to bob.

Sam nodded at him, thought about how much it would cost him to tell Dean the truth.  He took a deep breath, looked Dean in the eyes and said, “I don’t want them to be.”

And it was true, he didn’t want to travel around with their Dad, hunting anything and everything incessantly the way they had all their lives.  What his heart wanted was to be with Dean.  To open his heart and allow all his thoughts and feelings to rush out.  To be able to confess his deepest desires to this man.  He wanted Dean to smile, and not run away, and say “Me too, Sammy, me too.” 

But that was never going to happen.  Dean was too good for any of the darkness that lived in every cell of Sam’s body, rotting his soul from the inside out.  Dean deserved to have the hunting life that he wanted, to reunite with their father, who would always have Dean’s back in any fight.  That was the happy life Dean deserved.  Not to be faced daily with a twisted lecherous constant need from his aberration of a brother. 

Sam said the only thing he could to keep Dean safe, “When this is all over, you’re gonna have to let me go my own way.”

It was the only thing Sam could do, to honor the love and loyalty Dean had always shown him.  He had to sacrifice his own need to be with Dean, for his brother to be free.

Dean watched as the only man he had ever loved, the only person he had ever been in love with, once again informed him, he was leaving.  Not now, not this minute, but as soon as the demon that killed their mom was gone, so too would Sam be.

A wash of abandonment and intense agony flowed through Dean’s body.  He focused his jade green eyes at Sam, took in his visage and tried to memorize it.  He was magnificent, and he had just cut out Dean’s heart and ripped it into a thousand pieces, before salting and burning it on the ground between them.

Dean gathered up the ash and put it in the secret corner of his soul, swallowed silently and turned to finish gathering up the tools for their upcoming trip into unknown danger.

The brothers spoke very little on the way to the warehouse.  They followed Sam’s previous path inside and made their way up to the floor where Meg was already in front of her altar.  She was in the middle of an incantation of some sort so they crept quietly out of the shaft and around the back perimeter of the main room.  They circled until they were directly behind Meg and took up point with their sawed off shotguns.

She surprised them both by telling them that hiding was childish.  She didn’t seem scared by their weapons at all.  She informed them that she had been waiting for the boys.  At that moment the Daeva attacked both brothers knocking them out.  They came awake seated, tied to posts.

Sam realized that the entire thing, from initially meeting her to running into her at the bar, had all been a setup, which Meg confirmed, but adding her own twist to the plot saying the trap wasn’t for the boys, it was for their dad. 

Dean’s heart sunk.  If he hadn’t been so stupid as to inform their dad of what they thought they knew, he would never be on his way here.  He tried to hide his fear and guilt behind bravado, saying John would never fall for this.

Once Meg finished taunting the boys about them being John’s one weakness, which was going to bring him here, so that they could all be killed, she crawled across the floor to Sam, to aim her machinations at him.

She mocked him, sitting on his lap, touching Sam in a way that Dean wanted to rip her head off her shoulders for. 

Dean watched in disgust as she whispered in Sam’s ear and then got face to face with Sam to say, “I saw you watching me, changing in my apartment.”

Dean’s blood ran cold.  Surprise burst across his face, but then he shut it down behind a jeer of, “Get a room you two.”

He tried to clear his mind of the jealousy that was pouring bile into his stomach, in order to get the blade he carried, out of his pocket, to cut his wrists free of the bindings.

Meg said “Come on Sammy,”

Dean gritted his teeth.

She continued, writhing on Sam’s lap, “You and I can still have a little dirty fun.” 

Dean could ignore her sucking on Sam’s earlobe by promising himself he would cut out her tongue and lips that had dared to touch his beloved.

But then Sam said “You want to have fun?  Go ahead then.  I’m a little tied up right now.”  His voice was breathy and dark as if he were enjoying her.

Dean’s stomach flopped and his eyes closed in revulsion, his concentration failing just enough that it caused his knife to clatter against the floor.

Meg heard the sound and came over and removed the blade from Dean’s hand.

He was so angry at himself he knocked his own head against the post in frustration.

She went back and sidled up to Sam, asking him if he had just been trying to distract her so that his brother could cut himself free.

Dean felt embarrassed and stupid because that thought had never even entered his jealousy ravaged brain.  But then Sam answered “No.”

And Dean’s stomach plummeted again.

But then his heart leapt in joy as Sam finished, “No, it was because I have a knife of my own.”

He watched as Sam headbutted the harlot and freed himself.  Dean was so proud of his brother.  He yelled at Sam to get the altar, and Sam followed his order immediately, tipping the entire table over with all the ingredients crashing to the floor.

The Daevas turned on Meg, grabbing her up and tossing her out the window.

Sam ran back retrieving his knife, cutting Dean free.  Together they made their way across the warehouse to look out the window, Meg’s body several stories down, broken on the ground.

Dean couldn’t put into words how frustrated he was about his own jealousy costing him his concentration.  He had to get these feelings under control.  It turned angry towards his brother as he snarkily said “Hey Sam, next time you wanna get laid, find a girl that’s not so buckets of crazy, huh?”

He tried to smile, to take some of the sting out of it, but even that had a bitter edge to it.

The boys made their way back to the motel, only to find to their immense surprise, their father standing inside, waiting for them.  The reunion was emotional and Dean had a hard time holding himself together when John and Sam made up and hugged.  It was the happiest Dean had felt in a long time.

Unfortunately the joy was short lived as John was immediately pulled backwards and thrown into the cabinet across the room.  Sam was attacked seconds afterwards, and all Dean managed, before he too succumbed to the invisible assailant, was to scream out in fury, “NO!!”

All three Winchesters were beaten and ravaged, Sam listened in horror as his father screamed out in agony. He watched, desperately, powerless, as Dean was thrown back and forth against the floor like a ragdoll.  He saw only shadows, his mind racing to figure out a solution.  But then he remembered the contents of the bag he had filled himself from the trunk of the Impala.  He yelled for the others to shut their eyes as he pulled out a phosphorous flare and set it off.  The blinding white light made the shadow demons disappear.

They coughed and gagged around the gas and smoke being put off from the flares.  They had no way of knowing how long the solution might last, so they gathered each other up, none feeling quite steady enough on their feet, to stand alone without propping against each other or the wall.

They made their way around the building to where they had parked the car, Sam instructing the others that they had to be quick.  Dean stopped him, telling both Sam and his dad that John couldn’t come with them.

Sam panicked.   Not only was he glad that they had reunited with John, and needed his strength to fight the battles to come, but if John was with the boys, Sam knew he could control his need for Dean.  It would allow him to be able to stay, and be with Dean without being afraid his desires would get out of hand.  John was ironically his safety net, in order to get to be with Dean.

He couldn’t believe Dean was saying John shouldn’t come with them.  He fought Dean as best he could, but Dean was adamant, saying they had almost gotten their father killed this time and the demon wouldn’t stop using the boys against John.

Dean reluctantly said John was stronger without them.  He hung his head in sadness, not wanting to lose their dad again.  But knowing it was what was best.  Dean turned away, couldn’t watch Sam beg their father to stay with them.  It broke Dean’s heart, feeling like he was betraying Sammy, hearing the fear and need in Sam’s voice, made Dean’s knees almost buckle with the weight of the guilt.

A chill ran up Dean’s spine as John said “You’ve got to let me go.”

It was an echo of what Sam had said to Dean only hours earlier.   Dean’s eyes welled with tears, he didn’t want to lose their father, he didn’t want to hurt Sam, he could barely stand from the strain of the pain he was feeling inside.  Sam finally, silently, acquiesced to his brother and father’s plan.

Loss and desolation filled the air as the brothers climbed into the Impala, watching wordlessly as John drove off into the night without them.  Dean backed Baby out of the alley and drove off in the opposite direction.

**Author's Note:**

> I had so many nerves about writing the Benders story, that I didn't see this emotional wreck coming. I knew this episode was around the bend, but I didn't remember all the heavy emotional interactions between the brothers in it. So I was in for a treat. A big hurtful, heart wrenching treat.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading this one as much as I did writing it. My soul is sore from the agony the boys put me through on this one. It is delicious how much they hurt us all, just because they love each other so much.
> 
> Real life has been a pain in my ass this week. I am sorry for not getting to have daily postings. I hope to get to do several episodes this weekend to make up for it. I am having a blast and can't thank you all enough for how much you have supported this process and how much you have fed my soul with your kudos and comments!!!


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